When I decided to start writing this blog, coming up with a suitable name wasn’t easy. I played around with a few ideas, and finally decided on Why Mommy Swears for a couple of reasons. One being because lets face it, life with kids has us bitting our tongues (or not) constantly with all the crazy shit that goes on. Not long ago I walked into my kitchen and my daughter had drawn circles in black crayon on every. single. tile. She didn’t miss one. Part of me didn’t know whether to be royally pissed off or genuinely impressed. And not that she would have used one of the thousands of good ol’ washable Crayola crayons we have strewn across the house. No no, she went and found one of three crappy Dollar Store crayons we had at the time. The kind that say “washable” and you think to yourself, this kid better keep it together and stay on that damn coloring page.
The second reason, is because for as long as I can remember, I have always carried the awful habit of swearing profusely. I don’t mean throwing in the occasional “for fucks sake” here or there. I mean full out, something inappropriate will come out of my mouth more often than not.
Fun fact: While in active labor and about to deliver my first born, the epidural had completely run out and I was really not prepared for the type of pain one endures at that point in the birthing process. Im sure I had imagined it to be just as bad, if not worse, but the serene bliss I had experienced for the 10 hours that epidural did its damn job completely threw me off. Every curse word imaginable came out of my mouth during the 40 minutes it took for me to push her out of me. All of them. In several different variations and a few different languages. It got so bad, that the doctor who delivered her (who needless to say was not my regular obgyn, as he would have been completely prepared for all of it) told me to get it out of my system right then and there, and went on to remind me that I was bringing a child into this world and would have to curtail my language. The audacity, scolding me with a parenting speech while theres literally a tiny human being pushed out of my body.
Anyways….Im the first to admit that it is a nasty habit, and am sincerely trying to work on it – especially after this week! What happened, exactly? Oh ill tell you what happened. Little girl decided that after sitting on the toilet for 15 minutes to let out 6 drops of pee, the appropriate place to let the rest of the river flow would be on my lap as I was about to put on her pull up. Yup, pissed all over me. And its not the first time one of my children has peed on me, but I didn’t see this one coming. So naturally, being the horrible parent that I am, FUCK ME!!! came flying out of my mouth. Realizing what she had just done, O decides to start running away, but not before merrily screaming FUCK ME! all the way down the hall. Parent of the year, over here.
I could have gotten away with it. No one would have know. It could have been our little secret. But my MOTHER had to be sitting there the whole time and witnessed the entire fiasco. She’s been dying for this moment too, I just know it. She saw this day coming since I was a bitchy little teenager. She prayed for it even! What goes around, comes around, and all that and what not.
Well mom, I hope you’re happy. Your grand daughters first curse word became the day I decided to finally watch my language. Good things do come to those who wait!
Keep swearing mammas, its good for us sometimes. Let’s just try to do it in our heads a little more often – or at least not out loud while our mothers are around!